I was lying in bed and realised it might be good to masturbate before getting up. Thought about Phil and felt very hot. Then I realised that I might want to need him more than I actually want him. And I thought, well this is a great example of me not being able to let go. Which probably also means that I'll keep thinking about the kiss until we're gonna see each other. So now I'm trying to send him my work as soon as possible so that he 2 can give me feedback (maybe even before I leave for Zurich on Saturday) and then maybe talk to him on our way back (I think Julie will come with us). Haven't heard from him since the 24th of january (so ten days), which is normal! for him.

Saturday afternoon, sitting at the house, cutting myself, Adam's house party started last night, he's one of the people I really like in Zurich, he moved to Basel now, party was fun, cut deeper than ever before, tried to get ahold of phil to get some medication, he's at a conference, sent him an extremely vulnerable message and he replied to it. Quite panic-stricken. Need to sleep on it.

I've had a busy day. Was on the phone with Sami from nine to twelve. We continued talking afterwards, but he's gonna have to go to bed soon. I talked to Julie about my thesis. She asked me if I did have a plan. I didn't really have an answer. So I should really think about what my goal is with this. What is my project? What am I looking to achieve? aut gonna have to read the other candiss projects again to see if I find answers to these questions. Haven't

I'm in a weird emotional state. Last night I was sobbing in my bed because I was so happy. It's a bit embarassing to realise that I'm getting so emotional about something that for most people is a very normal part of their lives I'm happy about going to Berlin, I think it's gonna be a great experience, I'll meet great people. I guess it's just because I was always so scared of losing my connection to art, I'm very happy I have the possibility to study again and really take art as something close to my heart. The downside is that I'll be away from my friends, my family and Sami. But I guess I'll have lots of time to make friends in Berlin and I'll see sämi as often as I can.

So it's done, the school is over. Was great, we did a performance on the last day. Manu. and I are staying here for another week though to do the cleaning and packing. And then it'll be holidays. It's amazing to have these opportunities.

I'm a little tired. But I still want to write a little. Last week was exciting. On Tuesday I went to Schipol. First time traveling alone. I found my way. But the signposts were a little confusing. First I went the wrong way. Then I was in the right way, but all the signs said the other direction. So I was a little confused. When I checked in at the counter, my bag was searched. Because I was carrying a bottle of wine. They didn't even want to take it from me. I had to carry it through the security checkpoint. At the other check point I noticed

on I am currently sitting in a café, in front of a beautiful view of the river Rhein and the sunset. I have had a long day of packing and moving things between my friends. Now it's all over. Still haven't cried. I'm quite happy to be moving this week. It's been quite an intense week of moving stuff. But it's all over now. And I'm in Basel. And i'm happy. No more St Gallen. No more art school. No more not knowing.